A Doubters Heart
I haven't been writing a lot this summer (I guess summer is over now?), mostly because I feel stagnant, waiting for something to happen. Especially with my relationship with the Lord.
I would never classify myself as someone with a doubters heart. If I'm going to believe in any aspect of scripture, I'm going to believe it all. Once you begin picking and choosing what you want to believe, you start creating your own god and stop worshipping the only God.
I've approached conversations with friends talking about their doubts and fears with insensitive bewilderment, how could you ever doubt God?? He is so good, scripture tells us that! He's a God who listens (ps. 116:2), He's a shield (ps. 18:30), a protector (ps. 27:5). He not only knows me, but He is acquainted with how I function, tick, process (ps. 139). He is good.
I don't know when exactly, but as some point this summer bewilderment shifted and doubt slowly snuck into my heart. It has left traces of bitterness, leaving me frustrated, discouraged, and annoyed. Yes, annoyed is a very good descriptor.
My prayers have turned from eloquent requests for radical change in life situations to, "lol... wait... what???" It seems like if things are radically changing, they're only changing for the worse and not the better. Life seems bleak and my anthem to God has turned into a whiny one. Frustration has been bubbling over into tears while discouragement tells me God's probably not even listening and doubt says, "Just give up Mads, this is the circumstance you're stuck in."
Discouragement and doubt do talk by the way, and they are gnarly little friends who love to toy with your emotions. I can't help but let them. Even now, writing it down, I can understand that logically it is all a lie, but it still feels so much like truth.
I know, the answer is simple: fight doubt with truth. That would be my advice if you came to me with these fears, and honestly I would probably have a twinge of judgement in my voice as I told you to fight against lies with reality. What does scripture say? What does your past show of God coming through? Remember those times He's held you so close?
Here I am though, still waiting. Truth seems dimmer somehow, and those two ugly friends are still relentlessly whispering lies in my head.
Over the past few months I have been thinking over a couple verses in Isaiah 1. They've offered some sanity, and given me something to cling to. In verse 16 & 17 God commands us to turn from out evil deeds, cease to do evil. Easy enough. But then in verse 18 He offers us a promise, to come reason together with Him, that He will take our sin of scarlet and turn it white as snow. "The Lords promise is to not only deal with the stain of sin, but the nature from which it springs."
I love these image for two reasons. 1, that no matter how impossible the command that God is calling from you may seem (like to yanno, stop being evil, or in my situation to quit doubting), He won't call you to it without a promise to walk you out of it. 2, I love that His offer is to reason together, to get down to the root of the problem. He's going to hold your hand and guide you through it. I'm not alone in this.
I don't have all the answers, or any, really, because I am still full of fear and doubt that my prayers wont be answered and my life will just end up being a crap show. For a second though, I am able to push all of that away and let that idea pour over my weary heart. He who calls is faithful. I can see more and more that He is a God who listens, He's a shield and protector. He not only knows me, but He is acquainted with how I function, tick, and process things. He's calling me to come reason with Him, to hold my hand and guide me through this doubt. That is enough to calm me down for this season, and to shut out the lies in my head.
How do you deal with doubt? Do you have advice on how to walk through it faithfully? How do you shut out the lies in your head? Please comment, or email, facebook, text me, call me, and give me all the advice you have for my weary soul.